Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
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[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
i actually laughed 😩
My blood type is b hungry.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.