The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
another case of gang violins
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.