I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
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[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Facebook marketplace is a different world
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*