Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
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me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
i think both sides are to blame here
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Mood.. 😂
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.