[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
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I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
The future is now.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!