the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
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[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.