me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.