I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
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The three genders
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first