Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
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The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.