Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”