I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
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Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
You learn something every day
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat