Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
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Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Time heals everything 🙂
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶