If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
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It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!