Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
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Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.