DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
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5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.