Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
These work great until they don’t.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Mission: Impossible
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then