the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
You Might Also Like
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.