Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
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I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.