Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
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Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Bloody internet 😳
…..pretty much.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.