I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
kitchen magnet
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it