Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I feel it
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”