Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
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Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*