ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
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INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
This checks out
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”