I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.