Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
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Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.