Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
You Might Also Like
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.