Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
You Might Also Like
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”