Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
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if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order