Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
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Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Haha! 😂
Stop sending me this shit.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold