Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
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Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
When your man makes a valid point
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.