The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
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God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are