There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
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Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet