WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Yes my dude
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.