Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
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I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
i can’t wait that long
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Go girl power!
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
More like Kate Missington.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else