Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
You Might Also Like
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
im all 3
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?