Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
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frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Bootstraps
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.