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Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.