Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
You Might Also Like
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
✌🏽
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.