What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
You know…for fall…
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
How dude HOW?!
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Dietest Coke
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”