Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
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If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes