When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
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Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.