The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
You Might Also Like
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
The Weeknd is back
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover