Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…