Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.