If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.