Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
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Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we鈥檙e just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I鈥檓 going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they鈥檙e bored this summer
There aren鈥檛 any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
OMG 馃ぃ馃ぃ
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Some people were born into their job.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They鈥檙e all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Friend: I鈥檓 not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let鈥檚 split up
me: no
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.