My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty