one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Festive toon…
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day