‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!