It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
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THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
#TopTip
went fishing caught a bass
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”